Your first child made you pretty happy, so will having another really top things off? I often wonder this myself. Should I have a second child?
Luckily, research shows how our lives change with another baby. Read the essential guide to how another baby affects your happiness, meaning in life, marriage, family life, old age, health, and spending.
See also The Only Child: Everything You Need to Know, Answered by Research
Women are happiest with one child
It appears that having one child makes women happiest. At a minimum, having one child makes women happier than no children at all. But “onlies” may be the sweet spot.
One study looked at identical twins aged 25-45. By comparing twins, researchers could ignore genetic causes for having fewer children or being depressed. They found that a woman’s first child increased her happiness. But each additional child negatively effected her well-being.
Could it be that having an only child gives us the wonder of parenthood that we really enjoy, while keeping the hard work and stress to a minimum?
Another study looked at how a woman’s personality affected her happiness with more children. Do “traditional” women gain more happiness from having two children than “modern” women? It seems they do not. One child produced the most happiness in these women, too, regardless of their personality type. A second baby reduced well-being scores for all women.
Balancing the needs of multiple kids is stressful no matter what your expectations are. That said, women often take on more parenting responsibilities. So, could having another baby make a man happier?
Men also benefit from one child versus two
Men, too, see an increase in happiness with their first child. Fathers of one child described higher life satisfaction than those without any children. However, the second child only increased the happiness of “traditional” men. Men labeled “modern” received no benefit.
Perhaps “modern” men take on more diapers and dishes with the birth of another child? Or, maybe traditional men simply get more pleasure out of parenting.
On the other hand, the scientists researching identical twins looked at fathers, too. They found that having children did not affect their happiness at all. Life satisfaction remained stable, regardless of how many kids they had. When it came to family life, only marriage truly increased men’s well-being.
It may be that children have a smaller effect on the happiness of men versus women. If so, women may have more to gain or lose emotionally from choosing to have another baby.
Likewise, another study looked at factors like age and marital status. They found that one or two children made no difference to happiness, for men or women. However, this study found that three or more children negatively affected well-being.
But there is more to life than just happiness. Often, the moments we truly savor are stressful. Think of solving a tough problem, competing in an event, or hey, raising that first child. Sometimes stress seems to add more meaning to one’s life. Could another child do the same?
A second baby does have some benefits
Parents enjoy more meaning in their lives than non-parents. Researchers compared both life-satisfaction and meaning in adults. They found that having children living at home reduced a person’s well-being. But at the same time, it increased their sense of meaning. After children grew up and moved out, parents enjoyed higher levels of both well-being and meaning compared to people who never had children.
This study didn’t compare one versus two children, but it is possible that having another kid could further increase the meaning in one’s life.
Such may be the case in a study from Russia that goes against what all the previous research has found. Here, researchers tracked people over 20 years and found that parents were actually happier after the birth of their second baby. With their first child, life satisfaction dipped for several years, then increased to levels higher than before. But a second child steadily increased happiness. Life satisfaction never dipped after the second birth, and happiness continued to increase as they grew up.
Perhaps, life satisfaction is more closely related to feelings of meaning in Russia. Or, perhaps family life is supported more in Russia than in other groups studied.
But this wasn’t the only study that found having more than only child benefited well-being.
Marriage makes it more fun to have a second child
Certainly, married people are more likely than singles to gain happiness from having another child. When a study in the UK divided people by marital status, the life satisfaction of married people increased with each additional kid. However, unmarried folks saw their happiness decline with each child.
Other studies contest this finding. In the twin and “traditional” parent studies, married people were less happy with two or more children, with the exception of traditional men. A third study found no effect of one or two kids in married parents but three or more children reduced happiness. But surely, a supportive spouse makes raising another kid much easier.
One surprising finding: in married women (but not in unmarried women), a second child reduces the risk of suicide. A third or fourth child reduces the risk even further. Perhaps, despite any increase in stress level, having a larger family strengthens your sense of purpose and resolve.
If being married is critical to being happy raising another kid, what does having second child do to one’s marriage?
Another baby takes a toll on your marriage
Sad news: parents report less satisfaction in their marriages than non-parents. And marital satisfaction decreases with every additional child. The effect is strongest for mothers of infants, but is found across all ages and in both men and women.
Multiple studies duplicate this negative effect. Parents of preschoolers report the lowest levels of satisfaction with their partners.
One study found that children reduce time spent on “companionate activities.” With each child, parents spent less quality time with one another. In that study, it was the low levels of couple time rather than the kids that truly hurt the marriage.
So, preserving couple time every day to connect and maintaining a date night may prevent the stress a second child puts on your marriage.
That said, having another kid puts stress on the entire family.
How a second child affects family life
Large families seem to bring more stress for everyone. Two studies looked at the dynamics of family life for different sized families. They found that with an increasing number of children came more fighting between family members and more feelings of negativity about each other. More children also brought more stress to each family member, even after controlling for economic status.
Despite the stress, these large families may celebrate more meaning in their lives. But certain people may be better equipped to handle the stress of a big family.
One study looked at married folks who were currently employed and working on masters degrees. This study represented people with full plates. In this group, having additional children led to lower satisfaction with family life. It could be that these parents had so much on their plate that they couldn’t handle the stress of another kid.
But it would be short sighted to only consider the immediate stress of more children in the house. Perhaps there is a long term happiness gain once children are grown up and living on their own.
Are we happier once our children are grown?
There are studies from Japan, Korea, and Ethiopia finding more children increases happiness in old age. In Korea, five kids raised life satisfaction more than two kids for elders, and two kids beat out none. In Ethiopia, older men benefitted the most from a large number of children. Only older women benefitted in Japan.
But what would happen if these studies controlled for socioeconomic status? Perhaps in countries with strong retirement programs, where people didn’t have to rely on their kids for support, the link between children and happiness might dissolve. One study did just that.
Researchers looked at surveys from 86 countries. When it came to children and happiness, the tables turned at age 40. Although each additional child decreased happiness in parents under 40, having more children actually increased happiness in older folks. Elderly people who lacked government retirement programs benefitted the most from having larger families. On the other hand, young parents benefitted from living in countries with government support for families.
Does financial security make a second child more fun?
Denmark has one of the strongest social safety nets in the world. So, looking at the life satisfaction of parents here may best represent how children effect happiness when money is not an issue.
The twin study from Denmark found that the number of children significantly affected women aged 25-45. In this age range, each child beyond the first decreased life satisfaction. But once the kids moved out? Children did not effect happiness at all in people aged 50-70. Then, only marital status became relevant.
Likewise, a study from America looked at people 45 and over, comparing life satisfaction according to 22 different factors, like marriage, age, and personal wealth. They found that children had no bearing on a person’s happiness. Instead, socioeconomic status, the quality of health, and how often a person got together with friends became critical. Further, researchers compared time with family to time with friends. Friends were the significant factor in happiness.
So, it may be that if you have a strong retirement plan, children will have the biggest influence on your life satisfaction while they are living at home. And even if you can afford to care for multiple children, you still may not be happier raising them.
But how much money does it take to afford having another child?
How much does having a second child cost?
In America, a second child costs about $10,230 per year. This is the average for married couples, and is in addition to the cost of the first child. This does not include college savings, and was taken from a 2013 analysis performed by the USDA.
According to research, married couples spend about 26% percent of their income on only children. The cost rises to 39% of income, on average, for two children. Parents spent most of this money on housing, food, childcare and education.
Consider that your current home may already accommodate having two children. One parent may already be at home and you don’t plan to pay for childcare or private school. In this case, you may not end up spending as much on another kid.
One surprising savings may come from health care. It turns out that your health actually benefits from having a second child.
Having two children is good for your health
Having two children reduces mortality risk. Three different studies looked at thousands of older adults and found the same thing: two kids was the sweet spot for health. The risk of an early death increases by 18% for parents of an only child. Also, the risk is higher for parents of three or more kids. Scientists believe the lifestyle of parents with two kids somehow helps them live longer.
However, there is one health benefit of less children: lower BMI. Even after accounting for multiple factors, each additional child increases a woman’s risk of obesity by 7%. A man’s risk of obesity increases 4% with every child.
Having another child may reduce the time one can devote to cooking healthy meals or exercise. But perhaps having a second child encourages us to get up and move more during the day, or to be more active in our older years.
Should you have a second child?
Obviously, the choice affects more than just you or your partner. Deciding to have a second child will dramatically change the life of your first. I’m so curious to learn the effects of being an only child, and my next article will cover that.
See also The Only Child: Everything You Need to Know, Answered by Research
And of course, there are still other things to consider. Having another baby diverts time from other life goals. Each child adds to the increasing burden humans place on our environment. Personally, I worry about the regret I may feel once I am too old to change my decision.
All things considered, I have yet to hear one parent say they regret having a second child.
How would a second child affect your life? Does the research change your opinion on having an only child by choice? I’d love to hear about your feelings in the comments.
Sources:
Having a second child makes a woman less satisfied; only some types of men benefit
Having a second child decreases happiness in women, has no effect on men
Having more children increases family stress
Family size has no effect on life satisfaction after controlling for other factors
Parents have less well-being but more life-meaning
Each child reduces marital satisfaction
In Korea, older adults with more kids enjoy a higher quality of life
Having another child increases risk of obesity by 7% in women, 4% in men
Cardiovascular disease risk is lowest for those with two children
Mortality risk is lowest for mothers of 2 to 4 children
Having three or more children reduces well-being
In Russia, life satisfaction increases after second birth
More children reduces family satisfaction
Government retirement programs reduce the effect of children on happiness
Expenditures on Children by Families, 2013, USDA
How Does Helicopter Parenting Affect Children? See the Research
I love this! So much to think about here. As a parent of 2, some of this supports my decision, and some of it doesn’t.
But here’s how I agree….
I agree about having NO REGRETS about having my second child. Even though my kids fight plenty and all the noise sometimes makes me feel crazy, I love that they have a sibling and that I have been challenged as a parent (and therefore strengthened) by having 2 very different kids. And of course I just love that second little person who is part of my family just like the first.
I also agree though that I felt more confident as a parent when I had just one. Things felt so much more manageable and calm and I felt like I handled discipline and “parenting” situations coolly most every time. That definitely changed with the second, so I guess in a way that could be interpreted as a lower level of “happiness”. It definitely shook my confidence as a parent and made me much more tolerant of parenting mistakes in myself and others.
I also agree that it affected my marriage in a negative way. Baby number one did tip things down a little, but number 2 magnified the problems and gave us a lot more to overcome.
Thanks for the fun and fascinating read!
Thanks for commenting! Yes, lately, I’ve been thinking about this research in relation to self-determination theory, which claims that humans’ three basic needs are autonomy, competence and relatedness. Perhaps having more children increases one’s sense of relatedness at the temporary expense of autonomy? As for competence, I feel one is just the right amount of challenge for me, but surely other people are ready for more!
I am pregnant of no.2 this was unplanned and before getting pregnant totally unwanted. I am 42 going 43 and have no relatives or help around. Dad is good but we all know how it falls mostly on mums. As I learned to be pregnant I was just about to go back into looking for work or do a PhD, thus second child changes and collapses all my plans as there won’t be money nor time for a PhD nor will make sense to work for the first year of baby life as financially is too costly. I also did not enjoy the pramming around of my no. 1 as I felt lonely most of the time. When my first child turned one, and even more when she turned two I started to enjoy motherhood much more and felt up to before this second pregnancy, very happy and complete. Now I feel extremely anxious and mostly depressed about what’s to come and to replay the last three years again, in term of hard work, sleepless nights and all, I just feel it will crush me. Please mums, understand that I am perfectly conscious that most people are totally delighted to have a second child, I that I am blessed to have even a second one when many don’t have this luck. Yet my personal well-being is a strain here, like I have never felt before. Maybe it’s the hormones of the first trimester? I do wonder if I am so negative due to my hormones or to a rational really check. I am super struggling really…
HI dear,
I can totally understand and share your feelings. Few things are outside our control. We realize the positive side only when the right time arrives. You never know your second child brings a miracle. You achieve even greater heights professionally. Many people crave to have one child. You are blessed to have the second one…so just enjoy whatever comes your way. For finances, i am sure you can plan better. Take care mommy. love and strength.
From my husband I feel a high pressure for the second child. However it seems impossible for me because our relationship is already down and I am pretty sure we end marriage if I have the second child. I made my mind and closed the case for myself. I believe that the best age range between children should be above 5. I am already 44 years old, so I cannot have the second child. Perhaps I am missing out many nice things as well but in Turkish we have a saying: worst decision is better than being hesitant.
I gave a link to this post in my blog, it is nicely written, thank you
This is a great outlook. I am struggling with thoughts of having a second child. Almost like I already regret it. I go back and forth between regretting if I don’t and regretting g if I do, its a strange place.
Jessica, me too! My son is 25 months old and I can tell that he’d love to have a sibling. I am 37 years old. My work situation is not so good right now stress wise. I still feel the pressure to make a decision about a second child soon..
What is your situation if you don’t mind sharing…?
Same here Justine! And Jessica! My 1st is 22 months old and I’m 40. I have been very against having a 2nd ever since the birth of the 1st…but lately, my brain and body keep wanting to consider it! Trying to decide if I’ll really regret not going for it and having a 2nd, especially since I seem to suddenly want on, against all rational thinking. Or if we do have a 2nd, if I’ll kick myself constantly and regret it! The toughest choice ever!!
Also, thanks for writing this article, Christa! Definitely highlights some interesting research and things to consider.
Wow, just like me! I am 36 years old with a 26 month old boy, and full time job that is quite stressful lately. I have also been feeling so much pressure to make a decision on baby number 2! My husband is also on the fence about it because we are already so exhausted all the time! It is nice to remember that we aren’t the only ones in this situation!
This is a really interesting article, thanks for putting it together Christa. The research does seem to point towards greatest wellbeing for having 1 child, and some other benefits for a 2nd but it certainly indicates that there is not much benefit from having a 3rd! I think it is easy to see benefits with having an additional child but hard to see the costs – such as to your health, your leisure activities, your quality time with your older child(ren), relationship with spouse, and of course to financial status. And I found the research about impact on older years as well as factoring in retirement support really interesting, as often people talk about when they’re older as a reason for an additional child. Thanks for sharing!
Glad you found it interesting! Yes, it seems there are so many variables in how a second child will affect one’s life. And these variables will surely affect each family differently.
Did you write the article on the effects of being an only child? I’d love to read it, please!
Yes! Here you go:
https://researchaddict.com/only-child-effects/
Interesting summary! I wanted to know if you found anything related to post partum depression and the amount of children in the family (single child vs siblings)?
That’s a great topic! I just looked on PubMed and couldn’t find any studies publishing findings on number of children, specifically, in regards to postpartum depression. However, most studies listed child care stress as a factor, and presumably that would be increased with subsequent children. Here’s a link of one meta-analysis of factors predicting postpartum depression, if you’re interested:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8831657/
I have a 2 year old daughter and can not rest thinking about whether to have another. I actually don’t want another but worry I am letting her down especially when our family I so small with very few friendship cycles. you would think with this the sibling would fix that problem but I think I am a better mom to just her and that the love and support will be better just her. My Husband would be happy either way but he didn’t and wouldn’t do the vast amount of work with falls to me to do. He is an excellent dad but has his limits and he is actually at lot better with her now she is getting older. I just want to know it is ok to just have one despite such a small family.
What did you end up deciding?
Debbie, I feel you on this!! My husband is a wonderful father and would love more children but its me who feels uncertain. I’m afraid it will take away from my child now, but I also feel sometimes it would benefit him to have a sibling.
Super interesting! Thanks for summing it up. As a mom, I don’t have as much time to read the journals on my own as I would like!
I am an only child but also I come from South Asia where it was an anomaly to be an only child so I hated it and always fancied having siblings. Fast forward when I had my own little girl at age 30 I developed pregnancy relating heart complications with which thankfully I got recovered but never got the courage again to go for another one. Today I am 37 and my little girl is 7. My girl does not want to have any siblings and my husband is very happy with one! I think we are pretty much done but I would be lying if I say that time and I again I don’t feel a tug in my heart wishing for one more (cannot muster courage though)!
Thanks for this article. My son is 13 months old and I’m extremely conflicted about having a second child. Everyone told me that once I become a mom, I will love being a mom… and that has not been the case.
1. I miss my life of freedom, meeting my own personal needs and pursuing various projects.
2. Now that I have a son, I love him so much that I want to do right by him almost to the point of perfection, which is exhausting.
3. I still don’t feel good about bringing life into this world because of my own desire to have a more “complete” or fulfilling life.
4. I already resent the fact that I do more for my son than my partner does, and my career is the one taking a back seat.
I think I’ll continue to reflect until my son is 2 or 3 years old or until I have some clarity.
I’m also on the boat of being unsure about having a second child. I’d love another however I’m also very worried about how it will effect my son, how do you know if they are ready for a sibling, ready to share their parents? The only parts that make me unsure is we are very happy as just the three of us and I worry will i still get the quality time I get with just my son time as Just us to bond me and my son have a very close relationship he’s two he’s never stayed away from me he’s very much a mummy’s boy
Our baby is 7 months, and I would like him to have a sibling, we both work, but my husband’s concerned about the financial burden, risk of any birth/medical defects with a 2nd, and afraid of what life our son would be deprived of. But I’m opposite I feel like we are in a good place financially and we would be depriving him of sibling experience and bonding if we don’t have a 2nd. I grew up with 3 siblings and he was pretty much an only child until his sister grew up, they are 9 yrs apart.
im 30 with a soon to be 5 yr old bby girl. im happier than ive ever been. and ive had my glory days between ages 15-25. So ive matured and i know i could handle 3 or more kids. Truth is as an Aquarius i love my freedom too much to bring on more responsibility. i work full time and currently studying to change my field of work. im single never been married. i dated someone for a year, he was nice to my child but the relationship didnt go any further. my daughter asks for pets more than she does for a sibling. she attends daycare which she loves the babies she encounters and im sure she plays big sister. my daughter was unexpected but soon became my lifes priority. i never met my father so i hoped my kids wouldnt have to go thru the same. but im the queen who searched for a better life for myself. and God has blessed me with one gift to continue my legacy. i look forward to the day my baby graduates high school and college. looking forward to the days where she needs me most. i dont know if ill ever get married. Practicing abstinence untill then. at this point i’d prefer he have his own kids by now and we intergrate to a big family. only time will tell.
peace & love – mj
Thats how I felt until recently! Im 36 with a 7yr old. I made a deal with myself that if I hadnt met the right person and settled by 35 then another kid isnt for me. I thought if I ever met someone with kids I would be happy with a blended family. I have now met someone with a son, although it is early days my body, my heart and soul are screaming at me to be pregnant and give my daughter a sibling. But my head is telling me not to be foolish. He doesn’t want anymore kids, so I would have to go it alone. Ive looked at adoption and trying to figure out my options for donor sperm. I cant get it out of my head, its so frustrating.