An only child is just as happy as everyone else. In fact, as kids, they are probably happier. But throughout life, they have just as many close friends. They even enjoy more career success. As they grow older, they do not feel more burdened by aging parents.
The personalities of only children are similar to first borns. However, they have higher levels of ambition, independence, character, and intelligence. They are also better adjusted. Contrary to popular belief, they are no more narcissistic or selfish.
Today, the number of only children is increasing. In the US, the rate is between 20% and 30% of families.
Related: How a second child affects your entire life, according to research
In this article:
- Only child personality traits
- The myth of only child syndrome
- Only child vs. first born personalities
- Are only children lonely?
- Do they suffer from depression?
- The one child family
- Only children as adults
- How only children deal with aging parents
- The surprising downside: obesity
- The percentage of only children is increasing
Only child personality traits
Ambitious
Researchers combined the data from 141 studies of birth order. Overall, only children were more ambitious. They even topped first borns on ambition.
These kids do not compete for their parent’s attention. As a result, parents are more likely to notice and praise achievements. Also, parents have more time to help with homework and drive to practice.
A study of medical students found that, even as adults, only children continue to enjoy more ambition.
However, one study found this was only true for middle class families. Only children from upper and lower class families were not more ambitious. The authors suggested that middle class parents pushed their kids hardest to succeed. For these families, one child meant more attention to success.
Well adjusted
Only children perform better on tests of personal adjustment. Personal adjustment is how well children are able to regulate their emotions. The idea is that these kids do not have to compete with siblings for their parent’s affection. This warmth creates more emotional stability for the child.
A separate study supports this idea: only children report more positive relationships with their parents.
On a similar note, couples with one child report more marital satisfaction. Perhaps there is less conflict in one child families. This may help kids develop healthy emotions.
Another suggestion is that these children simply spend more time interacting with adults. Because of this, they model adult’s emotional maturity.
Independent
Not surprisingly, only children score higher on tests of independence. Two studies of college students came to this conclusion. Further, these children appear more independent than their first-born peers.
Similarly, children without siblings have more confidence. Perhaps all that time spent playing alone leads to a sense of personal ability. Or maybe these kids benefit from not comparing themselves to siblings.
Strong character
Character describes a person’s ability to cooperate and act with maturity. A study combining 115 previous studies found that only children excelled here. They showed especially more character than kids from large families.
Other studies of adults confirm this finding. Only children tend to cooperate and show more character, even when compared to first borns.
These kids spend more time around parents than siblings. This may offer them more practice in acting like an adult.
Intelligent
Only children benefit from higher intelligence. Multiple studies of both children and adults support this finding. Likewise, they score higher on IQ tests than first borns or children from small families.
These kids may get more story time as toddlers. They may get more help from parents. One study found that children without siblings spent more time on homework. They also had better grades than those from large families.
Likewise, studies have found only children to be more creative and versatile.
The myth of only child syndrome
Siblings do not seem to improve personality traits. There is simply no research to support the idea of “only child syndrome.”
Only children are similar to everyone else in these ways:
- narcissism
- selfish behavior
- self-esteem
- social skills
- neuroticism
- depression
- life satisfaction
In many ways, onlies act just like anyone else. But they seem to be especially similar in personality to first borns.
Only child vs. first born personalities
Parents may think a sibling might improve their child’s behavior. In fact, the personalities of only children and first borns aren’t very different.
First borns and children from small families also enjoy higher ambition and intelligence. They have more character and a better relationship with parents.
If anything, only children just display the same traits found in first borns, only stronger. Often, studies compare children without siblings to first borns, middle children, and last borns. These typically find the same trait, such as ambition, in the first born. They simply find a higher level in the only child.
The main difference may be socialization. First borns seem to be more social than those without siblings.
Do only children feel lonely?
Only children enjoy the same number of close friendships. This has been found throughout childhood and adulthood. Likewise, studies find they have the same level of social skills and ability to cooperate, and are no less extroverted.
However, those without siblings may be slightly less popular in early childhood. In elementary school, these children were less liked by classmates. Never-the-less, they enjoyed the same number of friends and the same level of friendship quality as other kids. First-borns did not suffer this fate. Probably all the time struggling with siblings gives children from larger families a social edge.
Luckily, by adolescence, these kids catch up. In a large study of 13,500 kids at 10 high schools, teens were asked to name 10 friends. Only children were just as popular as other teens. Most kids spend eight hours a day at school and enjoy extracurricular activities and friendships. This may have a normalizing effect.
As it turns out, the personality traits of only children, like independence and character, may benefit them as teenagers in social environments. In one study, 39% of teenage onlies reported an episode of alcohol intoxication, versus 69% of first borns. In another study, teens with siblings reported being bullied 50% more often at school than onlies.
Do they feel lonely as adults?
As adults, only children report fewer friends overall, but a similar number of close friendships. Likewise, they spend a similar amount of time socializing with friends, neighbors, and coworkers. Perhaps they seek out companionship that is more meaningful and spend more time with fewer individuals.
They do not suffer in old age, either. The morale of elderly people who had frequent interaction with siblings did not differ from those who had no interaction with siblings at all. Previous research compared time spent with friends to time spent with family in old age. They found that only time with friends increases one’s life satisfaction.
Do they suffer from depression?
As children and teenagers, only children may actually be happier without siblings. One large study found that having younger siblings reduced life satisfaction in kids and teens. Another found that teenagers with siblings were twice as likely to suffer from depression. Researchers attributed this to the fact that teens with siblings did not confide in parents as often.
As adults, studies find time and again that adult only children enjoy the same happiness and life satisfaction as everyone else. They do not suffer from more depression, anxiety, or neurotic disorder than those with siblings.
The one child family
Not surprisingly, only children report a more positive relationship with parents. This is true in childhood as well as in adulthood. They even have better relationships with their parents than first borns. These kids also receive individual attention from parents as an infant.
However this does not necessarily translate to more time spent with parents as an adult. Actually, they spend 20% less time with relatives than those with siblings. Naturally, they aren’t spending time with brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. This amounts to less time spent with family, overall.
Only children as adults
As teenagers, only children were more likely to plan on going to college than those with siblings. This was despite not performing any better academically in high school. Something about the high ambition of these kids seems to fuel their college dreams.
As adults, they tend to reach higher education levels. Likewise, they achieve higher status in their occupations. The combination of having higher ambition, intelligence and other positive personality traits leads to better outcomes in the workplace.
Also, only children don’t have to compete with siblings for parent’s funds. Each sibling reduces the odds by 6% that parents will choose to send a child to private school. Likewise, siblings reduce the amount saved per child for college tuition after controlling for parents’ income.
This means that only children are more likely to be equipped with both financial support and personality traits to help them gain career success.
How they deal with aging parents
Surprisingly, only children do not spend more time caring for aging parents. In a large study, they spent the same number of hours per week caring for sick parents as those with siblings. Similarly, they did not report more stress or burden resulting from their older parents.
The results seem to imply that parents with more children receive more total hours of care. Only children do not seem to feel obligated to spend more time caring for parents, in order to compensate for a lack of siblings. Perhaps, they simply can’t, due to other responsibilities, like career or family. So, siblings may not reduce the burden of having sick parents. However, sick parents may receive less family care with fewer children.
The surprising downside: obesity
Being an only child appears to increase one’s risk of obesity. This has been shown in numerous studies, from the US, Europe, Australia, Japan, China and Brazil. Time and again, the rate of obesity in childhood is found to be roughly 40% higher for onlies. By young adulthood, the risk is 76% higher for those without siblings.
But the cause does not appear to be lack of exercise. Male onlies watch slightly more TV per day (24 minutes), and female onlies get slightly less physical activity (17 minutes). However, the main culprit appears to be parenting styles.
When researchers accounted for how parents disciplined their kids’ food choices, the effects of siblings on obesity was eliminated. Some parents made negative comments about their child’s food. Other parents forbid their child from eating certain things. Both habits actually increased a child’s risk of obesity. On the other hand, praising a child for making good eating choices reduced the risk.
For some reason, parents with one child were more likely to criticize and less likely to praise food choices. Perhaps having a larger family reduces the time and energy parents have to obsess over kids’ eating habits. With lowered expectations, parents might become more likely to praise.
The percentage of small families is increasing
In 1960, the average American family included four children. Today, two children is typical. However, the one-child family is the fastest growing segment. It has doubled in the past twenty years. Today, 20% to 30% of American families have one child.
Small families are even more common in metropolitan areas. 30% of families in Manhattan only have one child. In Seattle, a whopping 47% are one-child families.
Other countries have higher rates of small families than the US. In Canada, 43% of families have one child, and in England, the figure is closer to 46%.
Is life better for an only child?
These children benefit from higher levels of success in adulthood. They even report being happier during childhood. Their personalities differ slightly from other people but in mostly positive ways.
They share a similar number of close friends as others. Likewise, they spend a similar amount of time socializing. They are no more likely to be depressed. However, they are more likely to be overweight.
Overall, the life of the only child seems rewarding and enjoyable. This is fortunate, because they are becoming more common across the world.
I’d love to hear what you think about the lives of only children! Let’s chat in the comments.
See also: Only child benefits – show me the research!
Sources:
Only children score higher on achievement motivation and personal adjustment
As adults, only children are more ambitious, confident, intelligent and independent
Only children surpass first borns in character and positive relationship with parents
Only children feel just as happy and popular and have similar self-esteem
Only children are not more selfish or lacking in social skills
Only children have higher IQ
Only children more likely to excel in education, occupation as adults
Only children are less liked by classmates
Siblings decrease happiness in childhood and adolescence
Only children do not spend more hours caring for aging parents
Only children have 76% higher risk of obesity in young adulthood
Only children have higher risk of obesity because of parenting styles
Should I have a second child? Show me the research!
Most only children I’ve known are big babies. The myth of only children is no myth in my experience. Most are very used to having their way and fall apart when they’re told no and are hard to be around. They are not independent at all. They expect people to take care of them just like their parents always did. In general only children more closely resemble the youngest child in the family not the oldest with the exception of onlies are more success driven. They are happy as kids but as adults are usually malcontents because they are not given special treatment like they expect.
Thanks for leaving a comment! Love the conversation. I don’t have a close relationship with many only children, but am curious to hear other’s first-hand accounts!
Thank you for this thorough article. It is very helpful for me as a mom of a four year old only child. As a person who has an older sibling and a husband who is one of three, we are confident in our decision to have one for many personal reasons. But unfortunately stereotypes and societal pressures make people (us included) that we are making the wrong choice. I am also in education and had very similar stereotypes prior to going thru the parenting experience myself. But the adult only child that I have come across in my life are now some of my best friends and don’t exhibit any “malcontent” behavior as previously mentioned. Maybe with the right parenting those malcontented people wouldn’t haven’t exhibited those behaviors or furthermore those “big baby” only children just needed more equipped parents. In my many years of education I’ve come across many children who are “big babies” that come from families of 2, 3, or even 4. I am curious if that first commentator has any children of their own? Just some food for thought..thanks again for a great article
Thanks for commenting! That would be an interesting area to research – how different parenting styles encourage different personality types! I have looked into “helicopter parenting” and it does seem to produce anxious children, which might be seen as “babies”. Helicopter parenting seems much easier with an only child!
https://researchaddict.com/helicopter-parent/
I love the article. I can see much of the research in my 6 year old. She is the most sensitive, caring, affectionate and compassionate child I’ve seen of her age. She loves to improvise when bored and mostly happy being an only. Yes she does miss having a sibling occasionally when she sees her friends return home to their sibling or hug/ cuddle a sibling in front of her but she also enjoys being an only as says she doesn’t have to share her mummy and daddy. Yes she is very close to us and even though I am extremely close to my mom, I feel she would surpass my bond. I feel very strongly about what some people have said about onlies…. such nasty judgemental comments. Being an only is never a child’s choice/fault (as some would like to call it) anyway! It’s their parents decision (and even though decision can be due to various reasons) it’s never their choice. How many people do you know whose 1,2,3, 4 etc year olds say mummy daddy please don’t have another, I want to be an only. I personally feel onlies are very balanced, very friendly and very warm people. I say this not only based on my daughter but also based on many onlies I’ve known over the years. I would pick an only as a best friend any day as I know they would truly treasure my friendship and care about me. Enough said! Thanks for the article though 🙂
I can relate with every word so I don’t have to write all that you for. I have a 7 year old and feel people judging onlies are so wrong and unfair. As you’ve said it’s not a child’s fault rather their choice to be in the position. My 7 year old is the most caring, compassionate and considerate person I’ve seen who cares even for strangers like she’s known them. Thanks for the lines above, agree with every word.
The problem here, is that you’re basing your point of view on your, well… point of view. You likely have a decent-handful of experiences, knowing them personally, and/or having had met a number of only-childs, which behaved the way you described, and that is what is what gave you your point of view. That is anecdotal evidence.
Now, the difference between what you believe, and what is presented here in this article, is that this information was determined by scientists! The difference between your “data”, and their data? Firstly, numbers; statistical data is typically always collected in vast numbers of samples, as scientists know that the bigger the sample size, the more accurate the results. Your handful of personal experiences does not nearly compare to the sizes of most statistical datasets.
Secondly, scientists collect data in a manner that is “systematic”. Meaning that, the way that they measure each sample, or in this case, survey each person, is the same each time. For example, they do not ask each person a different set of questions. This way, they know that their questions will not be a potential source of bias in their judgement. That leads to my third point: scientists always try to do things in a manner that would impose the least amount of bias as possible, from themselves, and their subjects; they want to remove personal opinions from the equation as much as they possibly can. No doubt, whenever a normal/average person forms an opinion of someone else, that judgement is built from their own brain’s collection of experiences, and the memories of which, lead to the opinions they hold about everything they know and understand in life. So that gives rise to highly variable interpretations of the world around us, and therefore, the things that people “know” they’re “certain” about, changes a lot from person to person. Compare that to science: if you ask one scientist a question about the world, you are very likely to get nearly the same answer, or a very similar answer, from every scientist that you ask, because they base their opinions on the information learned, tested, and confirmed through the “scientific method”. The scientific method is a special process, with rules, for figuring out things. People came up with the scientific method a long, long time ago, and it’s the major reason why humanity has continuously advanced, getting much smarter, and much more capable that we were before.
So, next time you’re enjoying yourself, doing something that is the result of any form of technology, like watching TV, flying in a plane, getting your hair and nails done… Remember, that none of the modern world would have been possible without groundbreaking, belief-shattering science. The same science that you are disagreeing with, right now…
If you lived in ancient Greece, would you have believed the words of Plato and Aristotle, when they told you the Earth was round? Probably not, because everyone “knew” l the earth was flat!
Would you have later, believed Copernicus, when he said the earth orbits the sun, and not the other way around?? No! Because it would have been ridiculous to believe that at the time! It was a well established principle, that the earth is stationary and it is the celestial heavens above, which are rotating!
Today, we know that these noble thinkers were correct, but it was their use of science which led them to their belief, whilst the general population had no clue about science, leading them to reject those ideas in favor of their pre-held beliefs. That’s the same way it still is, today, as you’ve helped demonstrate! 🙂
I have not found this . I totally disagree. My daughter is only an child and is nothing like that. My daughter is very independent and doesn’t want everything her own way . She is highly intelligent, unselfish caring considerate.. it is a total myth and funnily enough a lot of her friends were jealous of her being an only child.
She doesn’t expect special treatment and I am extremely proud of the adult she has become.
I’m an only child and know a few. Have to disagree with most of what you have said, a little harsh actually. I have an extremely close relationship with my parents but the world doesn’t end when I don’t get my way. Maybe you’re reading into them based on the sterotypes.
Thank you! I am also an only child and find some of the comments a little hurtful, especially considering my family dynamic and that having a sibling was not an option for our family. I am super close with my parents, have 2 Masters Degrees and a job that I love (as the research suggests), and have been told by many that they can’t even tell I’m an only child. I loved it! Maybe some people need to broaden their minds a little bit. Every family is different and choose to parent differently.
It’s generous of you to express your opinion, but it does seem contrary to the research done on the topic. There’s probably no way to convince you of the validity of the research, but it does seem as though you might want to give the subject, and especially your views, some further analysis.
Well said.
Is there any research on only children of only children? I’m the only one I know of. Are there others like me? If so, how many?
I’m an only child of an only child. Well my dad was an only child but my mum had a brother.
I’m an only child and grew up hearing all the typical stereotypes, spoiled, get everything I want, everything handed to me, never told no. My upbringing was indeed just normal but quit the opposite. Both working parents provided the best they could, we traveled but they were very over protective. They both came from large families with 7 siblings (each) and decidedly wanted one child. Anyways, I think only children are loyal, ride or die friends, innovative strategists, and simply loving. Well, that’s been the experience with some of my lifelong friends who are also only children.
I am an only child and my parents are also only children. I had a happy childhood and happy life. Not perfect or without sorrow but overall ok. Never wanted siblings. I am a bit selfish but I have always been, since I was 3-4 as I didn’t want siblings for selfish reasons. Maybe having siblings would have made me less selfish or maybe more resentful.
I am also the mother of an only child. I have felt this is best. This article makes me feel more confident in my choice. People around me have 2 and keep pestering me about having more. My kid is 12. I am still pretty young and i could have more. But I don’t want to and I don’t like to do things because others pressure me. It’s maybe the only child independence trait. Haha.
I went to university but am not a careerist. I have been told I am ambitious. I think I just like to follow through. Maybe if I were truly ambitious I would be more career oriented. I don’t handle stress well so … no high pressure jobs. I am self employed. I pressure myself enough.
Do there you have it.
Only child from only children with an only child of her own. The only thing ruining this perfect symmetry is my husband is a first born of three. I find we are not much alike.
I could go on but I do tend to go on for tooooo long. Sorry.
I am like you, both my parents are only children. It calls or a lonely feeling but deeper connection with the few relatives that are there. The difficult part is losing family as they age and then needing to rely on yourself completely.
I think this is confirmation bias. When someone is a malcontent as you describe it, you will start looking for a reason why they are like that. When that person is an only child you (subconsciously) go: “See, that’s why they are like that.” While if that person has siblings you go: “Ah, so that can’t be the reason”.
You interpret the facts in a way to verify your own prejudices. That’s ok, everyone does that, but be aware of it.
In reality, a lot of people are malcontents. Some of them are onlies, a relative equal amount is not.
Apart from the above, ‘Most … I’ve known are …’ is anecdotal evidence at best. The statistics tell a different story.
Really well said! @Peter
I am 56 and an only child.My experience definitely contradicts your opinion as I always had to deal with the comment, I bet you’re spoilt. This made me more determined not to be! I have always been very independent and got my first job at 15 just so that my parents didn’t have to fund me.It made me feel good and also tough and strong.I definitely wanted siblings though and feel that I would probably have been less shy and anxious if I had had them growing up.
Allison Holmes – I’ve met some very needy, unstable characters in my 50 years of life all of them have siblings. I’d also like to point out most of the prolific rapists and murderers in the world are from families with siblings. Is there anything else you wish to add?
Ok I was born an only child both my parents are only children. No aunts uncles first cousins, I hated it big time, still do 60 odd years down the track. I did nothing special although I believe I am a good carer & a good communicator. I definitely am not a big baby. I was not spoilt, my dad may be described as such not my mother.
So true! I am from a large family and I am the eldest child. I recently traveled abroad with a friend who was an only child. She approached things with little concern for what I wanted to do. She was upset when I asked to share the armoire and drawers in the hotel room. After lunch or dinner sometimes she would just walk away and join a tour if she felt like it, leaving me alone to try to find my way back to the hotel. I did not speak Italian so I wasn’t able to get directions to our hotel easily. Then last but not least, she hung her underwear over the beautiful windows in our hotel room which I found aesthetically displeasing. And she had to leave the unscreened windows wide open knowing I am a mosquito magnet. I had huge itchy welts for the remainder of the trip. And she became upset and child like when I asked her to keep the windows closed at night. This article is very biased and not truthful in my opinion. The research is flawed. Most only children never learned how to share or compromise. They want things their way and that’s the bottom line.
Unfortunately you had a bad friend. I don’t believe that has anything to do with her being an only child. I had friends with siblings that were like the person you described. I’ve had wonderful caring friends that were only children and wonderful friends with siblings. It all comes down to parenting. If you give love, support, attention, and discipline to your child or children, chances are they will turn out great regardless of whether they have siblings. I get many compliments from friends, family, and neighbors on how well-behaved, mature, smart, affectionate, considerate, and friendly my only child is.
Meeting one friend and deciding all only children are like that is ignorant. I have an only child not our choice and I can tell you he would never do that. Parenting is parenting whether you have one or five. Parents teach kids lessons and only children come with different parents and parenting styles family dynamics etc. did you ever think this was just a selfish person. You don’t think a person that has siblings is incapable of being self centered? Sometimes more so because they have to look out for themselves. I came from a sibling group of 4, 5 with my step sister. I was incredibly selfish growing up because I got nothing growing up. We always never had enough money, I couldn’t go do activities with friends for lack of money etc. when I got older I became very selfish wanting to experience things my childhood never offered me and feeling like the world was a dog eat dog world.
This is ridiculous. Laughable. As if that has to do with her being an only child.
I’m one of 4 and am pretty selfish and have struggled with tolerance my whole life. My only child daughter absolutely loves being able to share her things with friends who come round, and indeed brings them more and more toys including her favourites. I, on the other hand, was thrown into my room with all my toys as a young child at my own birthday party as I hated sharing (given i had 3 siblings who were always at my stuff). Make of that what you will!
You’ve got an ax to grind. Your opinion probably relates to some imagined slight from one of these young people. That’s what they are: people.
Your personal experience can’t be as valuable as a scientific study, performed on very large number of people, asking them exactly the same questions or going through exactly the same tests and designed to remove biases and prejudices.
Opposite, your experience is equivalent to a study performed on a very small number of people, not interogating them directly but asking the opinion of their neighbors. Only subjective opinions on a much smaller poll. There is no way one should consider this kind of experience more trustworthy than the first kind. If it was, then science would be much easier and much cheaper: no need for test subjects, they would only have to discuss the matter among scientists and give their personal opinion. That would be very quick (and even then, a conversation between three scientists, with no test subjects, would still be more valuable than the personal opinion of one person only). Scientists don’t do that. They spend a lot of time and money trying to remove mistakes and biases, and there is a very good reason for that.
Wow. This is wonderful to read as a parent who cannot have more kids. Having another child because of guilt or tearing yourself down as a Mum of one because of comments like this is not ok.
Maybe think about your wording. It’s not a blanket thing for only children just as having siblings doesn’t mean you are all best mates.
That is counterproductive!!!! If the last child represents the only child…. According to your theory, there is one in every family of more than one child. 🥴
As a parent of an only child I think you’re generalization to be untrue and unkind. In fact as the first born of 4 in my family, I can tell you that the burden of parenting my siblings is what led me to wanting only one. My daughter receives my time, resources and affection with no competition. As a result we are close knit family and she’s a successful high school student undertaking AP class in 9th grade. Super responsible for her age. Everyone describes her as an old soul in young body. On top of which she is generous, gracious and honest to a fault. I worried I might come regret not having another but seeing how well she’s doing reaffirms that this was the right choice for our family.
P.S. I’ve encounter LOADS of baby/not responsible types who had siblings as a teacher. Parenting skills and resources plus DNA rule how people are shaped.
I wonder if these stereotypes continue because of confirmation biase. I guess if we meet someone who is “spoilt” and not an only child we don’t give it a second thought whereas if we meet an only child who confirms the stereotype we remember it.
Exactly what I am thinking, as stated in my response to Allison Holmes.
So interesting that after all that information and research given in the article, the FIRST comment jumps in to the stereotype straight away purely out of ‘personal experience’.
We are currently considering to only have one child and from all the studies I’ve read about their upbringing, lifestyle, opportunities and personally – added with the effects of global warming – I see allot of benefits for my sun.
I also had a think how I’ve seen this play out in people I know who are only child’s. I knew one growing up and I have to say he was the most kind, mature, friendly and intelligent kid of them all. His character really stood out. I met him again recently and he was still like that. Then my current friend and ‘boss’ , she is without a doubt the most generous, sensative, in-touch and also most successful human I’ve ever met. A very unique combination I believe!
Have I ever met any spoilt “big babies” as the person suggests above. Yes! But many of them also had siblings! I think you are simply attributing their behaviour to the one stereotypically “obvious” characteristic without further inspection.
I am not sure yet wether we will have a second. But I’m trying to make the best choice for my sun and the environment. So far I’ve only been able to come up with good reasons for a second for mine and my partners PERSONAL reasons… we shall see….
Yes, such a difficult decision! I also wonder how much spacing matters, for example two years versus seven years between children.
I have two older sisters and I wish I was an only child. My sister who is almost 60 gets worse in age – entitled and selfish. The only thing I would miss are my nephews and nieces.
I now have an only child, and did hope for her to have a sibling but it wasn’t meant to be. It’s Gods plan I guess. I’ll do what I can to make her happy.
Go ahead and have one. That kid will be your friend for life, will be resilient, thoughtful and loving. That is the true one- child scenario.
I disagree with many articles that an only child is ok being alone. For me the opposite has happened. I hate being alone. I was alone my whole life. I don’t want to be alone anymore. So, I am one who always wants to be in a relationship because alone sucks, like it sucked in childhood. That need for companionship comes across as desperation and pushes away potential partners. I end up coming across like I want too much too soon.
I’m so sad for you. I can feel it also. I’m an only child
I am and “Adult Only Child”. I found this article to be quite interesting especially the portion regarding obesity. I struggled with my weight as a child and I remember food feeling like a comfort to me. My Mother was quite critical of me and food was always very soothing.
Growing up I was quite ambitious; but, always felt like I had to perform well. It was overwhelming being someone’s “everything”.
I also remember having a keen awareness of death as a young child; because, I knew if something happened to my parents, I’d be alone.
My parents are great people but I absolutely wish I had a sibling. Seeing my parents age weighs on my heart quite a bit.
Your comment about having a keen awareness of death as a young child really resonates with me. I remember this specific feeling of dread I had around 7 years old when I realized that my parents would die one day. It wasn’t a fear of them being suddenly killed as much as it was a sense of despair in knowing that eventually I’d be on my own. As an adult, it’s far less acute but it’s definitely something I think about.
Aside from that, our experiences are different. I’ve never had a weight issue (likely genetics more than anything), haven’t wished I had a sibling since I was a child (a sentiment I abandoned as a teenager once I started getting out into the world and among a wide group of friends) and while I consider myself relatively ambitious I don’t think it’s a dominant trait.
In my experience, the dominant forces that I’ve preserved from my formative years as an only-child – for better or worse – are a keen desire to socialize among peers, introspection, self-reflection, self-centredness and a close relationship with my parents, who I cherish more than almost anything in my life.
I’ll also add that the irony of being an only child and taking the time to read an article about only children and write a length comment about my own experience is not lost on me 😉
Just wondering if you have a reference list for these “findings”? Or are they based on other peoples opinions?
I am an only child and while I had many friends throughout my childhood, I lived about a 30 minute drive from town and had no kids who lived around our rural home. I did feel lonely often. Also, growing up and seeing sibling relationships, I have felt sad like I was missing something. And lastly, and this is the biggest, when my dad got sick and I had to move him into a nursing home (while living in a different state 3000 miles away) I felt the burden of being an only child. No other sibling to share the burden of helping to take care of my aging parent.
I feel frustrated by all of these articles out there on the web about different issues that speak of “statistics” but don’t cite them or offer any proof.
well, after taking a second look, I do now see the sources. I still don’t agree with the statements, though!
Hi, Christen!
So, I have another post with every study I could find on this subject, organized by relevant topic and cut and pasted in abstract format.
https://researchaddict.com/only-child-benefits-research/
But I agree, there is so much left to be studied! I’d love to see a comparison of female vs male only children… I wonder if females are more negatively affected.
Also, I’d like to see more specific studies, rather than general associations regarding life satisfaction, depression, etc. Seems possible to me that siblings could have a minor influence without impacting overall life satisfaction.
Only children are not lonely if parents make an effort to bring them around other kids or other people regularly. For example, living in a neighborhood with other kids, not isolated. Taking them to events, clubs, joining teams, boy/girl scouts, visiting family or friends with other kids as opposed to keeping them home with no one else to play with or relate to. Being around other people is how they learn social behavior and form close friendships. The kids don’t always need to be the same age. They’ll be around plenty of kids their age when they start school. Quality time and doing fun things the kids enjoy with friends, family, and neighbors is what children and adults regardless of age need to be happy and make friends.
Christian, it feels like your experiences may be more down to geography than being an only?
I found this article very interesting. I’ve always been enamored with the only child which is why I chose to only have one myself. He’s now 19 and, from my experience, everything in this article is entirely spot on both in regards to the child and the parenting… except luckily he has always been slim. I’ve sometimes had guilt over not giving him the sibling experience but actually believe he’s gained much more by being an only.
Thank-you for this research in such a digestible form. As an only child with an only child, this fits with everything I already knew, but society so often tells us otherwise. But most importantly, everyone should have whatever family works for them. That’s the most important thing. Thanks again
Is there any research on only children of only children? I’m the only one I know of. Are there others like me? If so, how many?
This is interesting, I was an only child for 10 years before I had siblings. Due to being an only child I had high levels of anxiety and was extremely shy. My parents ‘shield’ me from everything and it was tough growing up. I got bullied a lot and didn’t know how to defend myself. Once my siblings were born i felt the responsibility to be there for them and guide them through their early years. Here we are 21 years later and all three of us have an amazing relationship. In my case, I disliked being an only child. Now I’m struggling to decide if I want my only child to have a sibling..
Are you sure that your anxiety and shyness was due to being an only child? Might it not be that being shielded from everything by your parents and being bullied gave rise to it? Although I do hear that your siblings changed your life in a positive way!
I think some experiences would lead to anxiety in most people, only child or not. I have an older sister and I had a similar experience to you with being both curled and bullied. We are close in age and being tweens/teens at the same time was actually quite hard. She often told me there must be something wrong with me for not having many friends, which made me feel even worse. For me, self-development and connecting with new people was the reason I changed to being secure and extraverted. (Today, I have a friendly but not close relationship to my sister).
That said, I believe the presence and quality of social relationships is very important, and siblings can create an opportunity for that. However, at the same time, sibling relationships can be detrimental and there is no way of getting away while you still live at home. Thus, it would be VERY interesting to study subgroups! I.e. does closeness to siblings affect the variables mentioned? I would imagine there’s quite a regression to the mean in the siblings group, possibly hiding great variability, as some have terrible relationships and some have great ones.
I also think parenting style is extremely important. It might also affect sibling closeness. I can imagine that some of the positive effects of being an only child or a firstborn are mainly due to the parents having more time to parent consciously and less stress overall. As someone mentioned, it would be interesting to look for differences depending on the age gap between siblings.
Mostly agreed with this article. Almost all only child I know, including ours, are high achievers. However, they can also be prone to stress as they tend to be “people pleasers”. It might be stemmed from
their subconscious efforts for not disappointing their parents. Most of them don’t like to be on the center stage. Some confided in me that they already feel constantly under the spotlight by their own parents. They are usually hard workers who focused on achieving their goals. As for achieving success, they are normally more humble. They know that all their achievements big or small will get all the deserving praise from her/his parents and from those they care about without them having to brag about it.
I’m an only child and I have to say, for me, this article is spot on. For those wondering if their only child will be happy as an “only” my answer is “YES!” Of course they won’t be happy in every aspect of life, and in my case as a child I specifically asked not to have any siblings. However, now that I’m older, I do sometimes wish I had a sibling. But honestly, I have very close friendships, which make up for that, and I’m still best friends with my childhood bf (who was basically a sibling.) I don’t think I would have been able to live as well off as a young adult or attend graduate school if I had a sibling, because I did need some financial assistance from my parents. Overall, I wouldn’t change being an only child. It’s made me a very an outgoing, strong-willed, characteristic person.
Nice summation of overall experiences of being an only! It would be fair to say that overall happiness does not come from number of siblings alone but several factors mentioned here like parenting styles, financial situation of aging parents, sociocultural factors (some countries providing more social support than others, some cultures putting more value on multiple siblings), personality of the only child which is affected by their home/school environment, etc.
In my home country, having more children is associated with poverty and illiteracy because many of the poor people don’t have knowledge about or access to birth control. Overpopulation has made it very difficult to find jobs or access basic healthcare resources or even dream about social security, and many poor people think having more children is the social security alternative – which in fact makes it impossible for those 7-8 children to get access to a decent life, many end up as child laborers or in adoption centers, cannot attend elementary school even, and it just continues the cycle of poverty, illiteracy and overpopulation.
Other than those geographical factors – I also feel that ANY issue (being stubborn, selfish, overgrown baby, lonely, depressed) can be attributed to ANYONE. Do people with siblings not get lonely or depressed? By birthing multiple children parents can only provide a “potential” opportunity for further happiness – whether or not that opportunity will actually amount to more happiness depends on so many factors listed in this article. No specific number of children will guarantee a better life. There are 100+ things that could go wrong and a 100+ other things that might turn out great in our lives – regardless of the sibling status. Just make the most of whatever family configuration you have, take life one day at a time, and stop looking for simple explanations for everything that went wrong or right in your life 🙂
Ti, I so much agree with you. I have a.sister and she hasn’t.made my.life better or happier, actually the reverse. It has always been a.constant struggle for parents attention, we have very different personalities that clash in many occasions. As adults things havent gone better.and although we are.now on speaking terms we do not have a.close relationship, as i would.have liked and as.my parents expected we would have when they decided to have a.second child. They fell.into the trap of stereotypes and society pressures. Now they have realized that it was just that, a stereotype that many times has.proved to be wrong, for our experience and the experience of others close to us. Only.children do not know what having siblings is about. It is a double edge sword. If it all goes well and you have a close relationship it makes your life better, but if it doesnt it can make your life hell. But we always wish we had what we dont have. Its human nature. There is always a positive on nearly everything in life. We should make the most and better of what we have and be aware that nothing is perfect.
I have a brother and I have to say our bond has never been strong. We differ only 2 years. We played a lot when we were small but also fought a lot and as teenagers we had complete different interests.
We ended up just eating and living in the same house, but having complete own lives since we were 12 years old. We were both fine with it. Now I am 40 and I do not see him a lot or speak to him a lot. However, it is nice to see him when I do and we have got a good, but basic relationship. I had great caring parents and could not have wished more.
I am introvert, but had a nice youth that was also due to some great friends, which I still see and do weekends together with (including kids). I think friends are at least as important (especially the teenage years friends) and parents should make as much effort as possible to let their children make friends instead of being over protective. And parents of more children should as well encourage more interactions outside the house. It is too easy to let 2 kids play together, which is not great for social skills (I can say that from own experience).
I have 1 son. He is 7. He is the opposite like I was. He is not shy, very happy, always singing, very open and very good in meeting others. We make every effort to be with other kids and friends and let him be with other kids. Holidays we do a lot with his cousin, who is also single child.
My personal opinion is this: all people are different, no matter how many brothers or sisters they have. A child with brothers and sisters might be lonely as well. It might be spoiled as well. It might be unhappy as well. It might not be, but neither do single children have to be. It mostly depends on the parents and how they grow up their children, and partly depends on the type of child you are born as.
The most important thing for parents of single children is: do not spoil them too much, do definitely not over protect them and do fun things with them and let them meet as much other kids as possible in daycare, sport clubs etc.
And get a second child only if you want it. Not just because you want them when you are old or want another because you think your first one might want it, because I can tell you from own experience that is not always the case. And also my wife’s experience who has many sisters and brothers.
There are always children who are not happy with their childhood as an only child and there are always unhappy children with siblings.
The grass is always greener at the neighbours and we always want more and the best. It’s human nature.
I am an only child, and Indian born in a north Indian village, where usually families have had 4 or more children till now. My father and mother constantly received whispered criticism about why they chose to have only a single child. Actually, they kind of didnt choose to have only child. It just so happened due to several circumstances.
But boy oh boy, am I the only successful child amongst all of my 13 paternal and 11 maternal cousins? YESSSSS. I always envied my cousins during 8-15 years of age. I missed having a sibling, but not so much as one would think. Its probably the only thing on which I missed out, and it especially worked out well for my parent’s family.
The part about obesity is really surprising. Can being critical of food choices really cause that much weight gain in one’s children? And are parents of onlies that much more critical?
Being an only child was really rare when I was a kid. I knew two. One was kind of spoiled and moody. The other was very lovely and mature. As an adult I know another only child my age and he too is lovely and very generous. They all live great lives with friends and partners.
It’s crazy how much more common having just one has become. Now I have a ton of friends who are one-and-done.
I loved having a sibling to play with as a child, and it has at time been a comfort as an adult, but my sister unfortunately has serious mental health issues that mean that she is also a source of worry and sadness for me, and she also just can’t be the first person I turn to for support. My friends and my husband are definitely my sources of support in this world.
I must be on a different planet as I do not agree with most of what I am reading above.
Initially I was looking to see if there are any support groups for Only Children later in life, and I came upon this site. I see it as a disability actually. In my case my parents were older, I had little to no extended family several hours away, that I saw mostly just yearly. My parents were not very social and I often felt alone and different. I never was spoiled, though they provided the necessities. Several times I would go on vacations with the family of a good friend. I am very introverted and never was good in groups or in crowds. I was not given the guidance I needed and was supposed to figure it out on my own I guess. How I wish I had a sibling as there is nobody to share history with either. Fun times!!
As an only child with a similir experience I 100% agree with your comment
Im an only child and I have to strongly disagree with most of this article. I was very lonely at home growing up, I always wanted to be at my friend’s house. I wish I had siblings because I didn’t enjoy all my parents’ attention and expectations on me. It put a huge strain on our relationship and even to this day I don’t get along with my parents at all. I moved out as soon as I was 18 (but fantasising about it since I was 14) I just couldn’t bear living with them. The weight of their expectations was uterrly crushing. I think if they had more children they wouldn’t have put all that pressure on me. I also have a hard time maintaining meaningful friendships, partly because, growing up alone, I kind of got used to it. I think that if I had at least one sibling my life and my relationship with my parents would have turned out different… But I guess I’ll never know.
WOW! I just saw this as I have not looked back since last Dec. I am so glad we are on the same page. I feel the same. My experience was not a good one and my life was nothing but a mess until many years later. I know it would have been different if I had at least one sibling also. Everyone has different experiences also depending on extended family. I did not have anyone my age, just older people as my parents had me when they were older. I only had one cousin where we lived who passed when I was about 6 mo. old. The other side of the family lived several hours away and I only saw them about once a year.
Reading that article made me feel worse as that was not my experience. Glad there is someone else out there that had a similar response. Thanks!!
Hi ,
I am a mom of one girl ,she is growing up to be ,hardworking , knows how to have fun , helpful , caring as well as smart .she is not trying to impress us parents but her own determination goals . I grew up as a 5th child of 7 . I have always compared to my sister ,she was liked the most by my drandmother and by boys until I was old enough . I then were admired by my sister for having the best attention from guys who are better looking . When you are only child you deal with issues within yourself . No one you have to put up with .i am a single parent and very much happy going places , giving all the love and care . When I feel down she is always asking to be any help . J hope to be there for her to the end .
What an excellent article. As an only child I have to laugh when people feel sorry for me for this. I had the most amazing childhood with a great school with sports and I’m still best friends with my best friend from aged 4! My mother taught me to share better than any friends from large families know how and my father is a generous, hard working man who instilled work ethic into me. I’m pretty sure as per usual in life your parents / school are what really matter more than anything.
My husband is the only child. I am the middle child In my family . So far ( and I say this because we are young and our son was unplanned , though I do want a girl ) my son is the only child . Interesting enough, I don’t criticize his eating habits but I do think he eats junk food a lot. He is only 9 months old so not too sure about everything else ! What an interesting article
I’m an only child raised by awesome mum and feel and felt very loved by mum. I didn’t share will as a child and i used to cry, mum said, when cousins or friends had to go. It’s true to be totally and completed at ease at being i find i can feel quite unhappy if I’m in company for long periods of time. Being a mum raising 2 was hard but learned how to include me time to feel satisfied and to be a well rounded and supportive mum. Each of my 2 children I’d spend time with individually, as one on one is my favourite way to enjoy others over being in large social crowds all the time. I’m aware others worry i appear lonely when in fact i couldn’t feel happier. I’ve few close friends and have 121 time with each and enjoy our friendship totally. Meaningful relationships are important which governs the type of relationships i have with friends and family. I do wish sometimes i could share the joy i had growing up with someone who shared the same as me via a sibling but not enough to reach the genie bottle!!
Absolutely loved the article. We have an only child.